Thursday Thoughts: Dealing With a Narcissist as a Believer

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant.” — 1 Corinthians 13:4 (ESV)

Before we can talk about how to deal with a narcissist, we need to understand what we’re dealing with.

A narcissist, by definition, is a person marked by excessive self-focus, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Often, this shows itself through belittling, gaslighting, shifting blame, and turning even the smallest issue into a full-blown crisis—one in which they are always the victim.

If you’ve encountered this behavior, you know how aggravating and angering it can be. No matter the situation, somehow the focus always circles back to how they’ve been wronged. They often push others toward reactions they can later use as proof that they are the reasonable one—the hero of the story. There is a compulsive need to be right and an equally strong need to diminish others to feel accomplished.

This kind of behavior stands in direct opposition to the gospel.

Jesus teaches us that love is patient, love is kind, and love does not boast. It does not manipulate, belittle, or seek to dominate. So how do we, as believers, walk wisely without falling into the trap?

First, we must remember that judgment does not belong to us.

“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” — Romans 12:19 (ESV)

A narcissistic pattern often seeks to punish others. But God is the judge—not us. Our calling is not to retaliate, dominate, or win arguments. Our calling is to reflect Christ.

Second, do not mirror their behavior. Listen carefully, but do not engage emotionally in the same patterns. When you react with anger, you give them what they are often seeking—control.

Third, remember who saved you. There was a day when you and I were given the greatest gift imaginable: grace we did not earn. Many people who display narcissistic traits are deeply wounded, insecure, and have never truly experienced grace or forgiveness. When grace is shown, they often don’t know what to do with it.

Fourth, lean into kindness and patience. These are not weaknesses—they are markers of spiritual maturity. Grace disarms far more effectively than force ever will.

Fifth, Scripture gives us a practical instruction: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.” — Romans 12:20 (ESV)

This is not about enabling behavior—it is about responding in a way that exposes darkness without becoming part of it.

Finally, keep your words simple. Narcissistic patterns thrive in long arguments and emotional spirals. Ask straightforward questions: “What do you need from me?”

And when the conversation drags on:

“Is that all you need from me?”

These questions shift the interaction away from manipulation and toward clarity. Often, such individuals don’t actually want to be heard—they want control. Calm clarity disrupts that cycle.

If God opens a door to share the gospel with someone like this, do so. But more often, the gospel will be preached through your response long before it is spoken with your mouth.

It took me more than forty years to understand this truth:

I don’t need to be right.

I don’t need to be louder.

I don’t need to win.

I only need to be who my Savior has made me to be.

Prayer

Father, give me wisdom when I face difficult people. Guard my heart from anger and my tongue from retaliation. Teach me to respond with patience, clarity, and grace, even when it is hard. Help me reflect Christ in every interaction, trusting You to be the righteous Judge. In Christ’s name.

Takeaway

You are not called to win arguments—you are called to reflect Christ.

Grace changes what force never can.